Growing Up in a Heteronormative Society - The Queer Perspective
- Bradley Melton
- Jan 8
- 7 min read
Updated: Jan 10
Why should the majority—cisgender and heterosexual individuals—have the power to dictate the lives, education, and opportunities of the queer minority?
Recent research shows that out of 8 billion people only 864 share my unique intersectionality of queer identity. This is less than the population of a large high school and doesn't even factor in my neurodivergence. It must be more than a numbers gain, isn't it? It took me over two decades to realize my first sexual orientation, asexuality, and I'm still learning more, four years after making that determination.
I don't have a problem with doing my own personal research, however, this understanding of myself could have been resolved much sooner if I had people around me that understood my orientation or gender identity. Growing up in a red state in the United States made it easily apparent that I wasn't the same as my peers, but I didn't know how I differed. This changed when I got the chance to research the LGBTQ+ Community. I will be diving into the unique social effect that heteronormativity has on asexual individuals and how I determined I am trans.
Asexuality and the Heteronormative Model
Most people that can be described as asexual or ace have a unique relationship with gender identity especially in the context of heteronormative society. Our society is distinctly based on oppositional-sexual attraction. What I mean is that gender identity and the use of pronouns and norms are heavily entrenched in our interactions with others specifically that of the opposite sex. Most people think of asexuality as either a curse or a blessing, if they have even heard of it. A curse in that it dehumanizes the individual by cutting off a "key human experience" which is attraction. It may be considered a "blessing" in that the person seems much less bothered by a general time sink that most people experience i.e. attraction and the attempts to attract other people. Non-asexual individuals feel a strong connection to their pronouns and norms due to experiences with attraction and gender identity. In contrast, over 25% of asexual individuals do not feel this connection to their assigned pronouns and may use them solely for convenience. As a result, asexual individuals may experience less discontent when referred to by non-assigned pronouns.
Gender norms typically are based on stereotypical consideration. However, there is a general misconception that I would like to clear up while we are on the subject. Stereotyping is not bad it's a natural reaction based on cognitive framing that humans use while attempting pattern recognition. This is the simplest way for humans to intuitively understand reality. Stereotyping is just a form of categorization. It's only problematic when used as a rule or to justify prejudice. Contextualization matters here.
Personal Journey into the Transgender Sphere
Personally, I can 'pass' quite well as a cisgender heterosexual male for now there isn't anything overt in my interactions with others. There are genuine differences in how I interact with others and think about myself, however, it is unlikely anyone would be able to tell. I like women but there are certain compulsions and behaviors I lack that speak to my own experiences as a transgender individual. I hate having body hair. It's frustrating how much I dislike it both in appearance and the feeling of it in my skin. This dysphoria results in me needing to shave every 1 to 2 days, however, I am looking into ways to get rid of it permanently through other solutions. I happen to heavily dislike pursuing others in a romantic capacity this could be caused explained by slight aromanticism. This is one of the reasons I have only had 3 relationships all of which were before I realized my orientation and gender identity. There are other traits that could be explained by my status such as the high level of empathy that I have. This is not to say men can't be empathetic but in my personal experience I don't know any men who's empathy extends as detrimentally as my own. The emotional toll for myself can be so intense that I become exhausted worrying about other people and things I have no control over.
I have been researching the asexual community far longer than the transgender community. My orientation and gender identity are complex, but we will get into that after covering an important topic. The Split Attraction Model (SAM) is a generally accepted framework for describing how people on the asexual spectrum experience both sexual and/or romantic attraction. Along the attraction type axis it ranges from aromantic asexuality (no romantic or sexual attraction) to hypersexuality (where sex is the sole purpose of the relationship). Along the orientation axis, it starts with attraction exclusively to the opposite gender/sex (heteroromantic/sexual) and ends with attraction exclusively to the same gender/sex (homoromantic/sexual). On the model I would be 6B.
I think the most difficult part was determining my gender identity. To those that don't don't have this experience two individuals with different identities can appear to be similar. This can lead others to call it a semantic argument but only if it is not investigated any further. We can go over labels in greater detail in another post or article but to keep it simple. I thought I was a male with no sexual attraction but with a romantic interest in women, however, it seems more likely I am a trans woman with no sexual attraction with a romantic interest in other women. The part that makes it seem the same to some people is the fact I have not transitioned and don't know if I will officially. Some may say that these identities could be used interchangeably or they don't understand the real difference between the two if I don't decide to transition. I always felt that I was acting or pretending to be one of the guys; however, I didn't initially think of it like that. I've fit in, but I never felt like I belonged to that group. The biggest hint for me was the response to the media I consume. I don't mind heterosexual couples if they are written well I can enjoy them. However, there is a unique validation and personal joy that comes from seeing lesbian relationships on TV. It's not a fetish, it's more sensual than sexual in my opinion.
I don't know how applicable this is to other people but I don't think I find any discomfort in being called she/her. I haven't actually been addressed by these pronouns but there has always been something lacking with my current name and pronouns. However, there is a discomfort with socially transitioning that I did not consider before. I'm pretty cut off from those around me as to discussing anything that can be considered emotionally charged and with people being unpredictable I could be described as a people pleaser. I don't want to make other people uncomfortable or inconvenience them unnecessarily. This is something for me to work on as I follow my path. One possible explanation is that I may be displaying Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria due to my own neurodivergence.
The Complexities of Identity Intersectionality
Many individuals with a simplified identity don't seem to comprehend who complex intersectionality can be for an individuals understanding of self. This can seen in how intersectional identities can both help and hinder this understanding. To some my asexuality which facilitates a disconnect between my pronouns and gender identity may simplify the process of officially transitioning. However, this lack of connection has just as powerfully made determining the need for transitioning difficult to navigate and complicated the situation.
Earlier in the post, I gave a calculated the number of individuals that may fit my identity and orientation. Unfortunately, research into the identities I belong to, especially the effects of intersectionality, is still in it's infancy. To get the correct percentage I took the percentage of US Adults in each of these groups Asexual, Transgender, and Lesbian and calculated that there is a 0.0000108% chance of my identity existing. After taking the numbers I factored it into a global population this calls into question how accurate the number I found is. But the numbers are the most recent as of the writing of this post.
I find a fitting metaphor for the LGBTQ+ experience is the philosophical concept of innatism where intuitive knowledge exists but is inaccessible until it can be "unlocked". Plato's theory of anamnesis explains that the soul possesses inherent knowledge, that is obscured until it can be recollected through learning and experience. As a scientist I don't believe in this theory but it is a closely parallels growing up as a queer individual in a heteronormative society. There is a subconscious feeling that can't be explained until you have heard of the concept then everything may fall into place. Education vastly needs improvements to allow queer youth to better understand themselves. One approach is to give an informal introduction to the basics of each orientation and identity before children leave middle school. This exposure would provide the foundation that I lacked, offering current youth the opportunity to explore their identities. Additionally, a high school elective focusing on different LGBTQ+ groups, with a rotating focus on new labels and topics, could allow students to engage in these topics by choice.
This is only the start of my journey. At 25, I expect my position on some things will change or deepen over time. Some of my growth may be shared here, I invite you to join me. If my experience does not match your own that's perfectly fine. Share how your journey has differed or what similarities you have noticed. If there is anything specific you want to know more about or would like to see me tackle, let me know. While some of this information is personal, my hope is that it helps anyone struggling to determine their gender identity or sexual orientation. These thoughts have occupied much mental space and time as I've considered the best way to convey them to others. There are times when I struggle to understand myself and how I feel, but I am committed to this process of discovery and understanding.
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